Raging Red-head Wins Red Canadian Belt
Dan Paysan Heading Back to Europe

Shayne Hawke, le Maudit Roux, himself, delighted his fans winning the IWS Canadian Title beating EXesS in a Last Man Standing Match. EXesS did not relinquish the title lightly, but may have cost himself his title by stiffing IWS referee Bakais, because he was convinced that Bakais was intervening too often to count Shayne Hawke, giving him too many chances to recover. This kept Bakais out of position for a number of chances by EXesS and led to Bakais berating a sullen and beaten EXesS backstage after the match.

In other important news, Dan Paysan got the pin in a six man tag match earning the right to represent Canada, Italy and the IWS during wXw’s 16 Carat Gold Tournament, Europe’s biggest annual wrestling tournament. The dapper don is delighted to be returning to Europe to meet the many fraulein fans of Dan and the IWS.

Violent Valentine 2009

Saturday, February 21st, 2009
Le Skratch, Chomedey, Laval, Quebec

Mike Bailey vs. “Heavy” Maxx Fury
Maxx beat “Speedball” Bailey in 6:15

The Nic Paterson Invitational: Lex Lurman vs. Stratos vs. Pauly Platinum vs. Alex Silva
Lex Lerman beat Stratos, Pauly Platinum and Alex Silva, pinning Stratos at 8:26.

The Green Phantom vs. Fred la Merveille
The Green Phantom beat a returning Fred la Merveile in 9:33.

Number One Contender’s Match: Franky the Mobster vs. Kevin Steen
Franky the Mobster became the IWS Number One contender beating Kevin Steen in 18:50

wXw 16 Carat Gold Qualifying Match: The Untouchables (Jimmy Stone and Dan Paysan) plus Giant Tiger vs. 2.0 (Shane Matthews and Jagged) plus Twiggy
The wrestler who wins the match with a pin or submission earns the right to fly to Germany to represent the IWS (and Canada) in wXw’s 16 Karat Tournament
Dan Paysan got the pin at 17:22

IWS Canadian Title: IWS Canadian Champion EXesS vs. Shayne Hawke
Last Man Standing Match
Shayne Hawke beat EXesS in 29:09

Detailed Results for IWS Violent Valentines 2009

It’s Giant Tiger’s world, the rest of us are just living in it Hired by Iron Mike Paterson to replace him after Paterson was hired at the last minute to shoot a four hour Cialis infomercial, Giant Tiger spread chaos, beer and clothing in his wake, despite my pleas to IWS fans to not give Tiger beer.

Violent Valentines started with IWS President Nic “One T” Paterson announcing that IWS Champion, Beef Wellington had skipped the show to treat his goons, Sexxxy Eddy and the Evil Ninja to a vacation in Cuba. The Prez was interrupted by IWS Canadian Champion who came to the ring screaming in French that the only thing that Paterson should be talking about is how great EXesS is. This brought out the Raging Red-Head, Shayne Hawke. The two men had to be separated and hauled to the back as Giant Tiger came out to open the show.

There were no surprises in the match between high-flyers Mike “Speedball” Bailey and “Heavy” Maxx Fury and frankly that is astonishing. Maxx continues to impress, returning to wrestling after a five year absence, if possible faster and smother than when he left. Speedball in only his second IWS match ever showed no rookie jitters at all. In the end, Maxx was just a little too cunning for the rookie, but Bailey has an incredible future in the IWS.

The Nic Paterson Invitational saw three newcomers to the IWS compete to impress the crowd with one ringer in the mix. Quick impressions? Alex Silva is either a compact gorilla or a Portuguese man-of-war or some kind of weird ape slash fighting fish hybrid; Stratos claims to be a Greek God but he’s more of a Newton than a Hercules, more of a Newton than a Hercules; Pauly Platinum looks and acts like one of the Spinal Tap drummers, the one that died in atrgig weight-lifting accident; and Lex Lurman, well Lex is the ringer. Lex Lurman was an IWS trainee who pushed more brooms in his day than Mickey Mouse in Fantasia. He’s had dark match opportunities before; he’s been thrown to the wolves before; and on Saturday, he snaked his first victory in an IWS ring.

Lex didn’t have long to celebrate however as the Green Phantom hit the ring to welcome the four men to the IWS, Green Phantom style. After kicking ass and well, not so much with the taking of names, more of a continuous kicking of ass, the IWS Hardcore Hero attacked Beef Wellington on the mike for failing to even show up for the show. Phantom reminded the IWS hardcore soldiers that the IWS was at its height when Phantom was the champion and he announced that he was coming for Beef Wellington and his belt.

Fred la Merveille responded to the Green Phantom’s open challenge. The crowd was delighted to see Fred; Fred was less delighted to see the IWS crowd, especially as they kept chanting at Fred to “Dance Fred Dance!” hard enough to beat the Green Phantom on a good day, but the crowd threw Fred off his game leading to his defeat.

I pegged the over/under of matches announced by Giant Tiger at 3.5, and the under won. Tiger tried to get the IWS women in the crowd to take off their clothes and show their tits and when they responded poorly to a fat drunken Tiger yelling for nudity, Tiger took matters into his own hands and started stripping. Before he did his full Jim Morrison impression, Nic Paterson hit the ring and fired Tiger, taking back the announce mike for himself. Tiger ended up at the bar with a quick detour to drunkenly grope me at the merchandise booth and declare, “People buy me free drinks and I get naked! I’m living the dream, Llakor!”

Tiger spent most of the Kevin Steen vs. Franky the Mobster heckling the two wrestlers from the bar and supplying an ongoing drunken commentary. Franky proved, once again, why he is a vastly underrated technical wrestler, taking advantage of Steen’s anger at losing the title to get the pin-fall after two choke-slam power-bombs. The win makes Franky the Number One Contender to Beef Wellington’s IWS Title and the front of the crowded line of guys jockeying to get at Beef Wellington.

Originally, the six man tag match to find the IWS participant in the wXw 16 Carat Gold Tournament was scheduled to pit the Untouchables and the Evil Ninja against 2.0 and Twiggy. Unfortunately, Beef Wellington took the Evil Ninja with him to Cuba, leaving the Untouchables’ side short a man. A desperate Nic Paterson drafted Giant Tiger to make the sides even. Chaos ensued. I am uncertain what was more entertaining – the actual match or the text messages that I was receiving and sending to the wXw promoter who was alternately appalled, amused, disgusted, intrigued, terrified, excited, revolted, a whole roller-coaster of emotions at the thought of Giant Tiger getting the pin and winning the right to go to Germany to take part in the wXw 16 man tournament. In the end, Dan Paysan eked out the victory and the right to represent IWS, Canada and Italy in the tournament.

We are waiting for confirmation with Le Skratch for our next date, but one thing is for certain: that itching feeling that Beef Wellington has between his shoulder blades is not skin peeling from his Cuban sun tan, it is from the mental bull’s-eye that every IWS star with a shred of ambition has painted there beginning with the IWS’ newest champion, Shayne Hawke and including Kevin Steen, the Green Phantom and the Number One Contender to Beef’s title, Franky the Mobster.